As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, we are entering a festive season where people gather to celebrate. But for some of us, it is also a season filled with reminders of loss. The memories of past holidays with family and friends who are no longer with us seem to be ever more in our thoughts. We all experience grief in our lives. While we all grieve, we grieve in different ways.  For many of us, the grief is especially heavy because the loss has been very close.  It proves true that the closer the relationship, the more intense the grief, and it seems that the first year without our loved one can be the most difficult. It is a series of firsts.  First Thanksgiving or maybe the first Christmas without them. 

We experienced the loss of my father-in-law on December 23, 2015. I remember that I, along with my husband and daughter, did not have the energy to have our traditional large family breakfast on Christmas Day that year, let alone have the appetite to eat. I don’t know if I even ate much of anything that day.  But I do remember one thing - I was grieving. I am thankful for those around us who understood and prayed for us. I am forever grateful for their kindness.  The following year began a series of firsts for us: the first of holidays without him: Easter, Father’s Day, Independence Day, and other days such as birthdays.   As a family, we had to begin to create new traditions, and it was hard because grief is hard.

Many of us are trying to process grief, or know someone who is grieving.  Here are a few things that may be of help as the holidays approach:

First, spend time with those who make you feel supported instead of stressed.  Share with them any area you may need help.  Ask a trusted friend to go to an event with you if you choose to attend, or you may prefer to drive yourself so you may leave if you need to. Feel free to decline any events that would be overwhelming, but also be open to any opportunity that would be uplifting. Since grief can quickly overshadow us, remember that the Lord is always present and will be your companion.  He will be there for you through every step of the journey.

Our emotional composure will not be as predictable as it has been in the past.  There may be days when you feel like you are losing your mind. It is normal to forget where you put the car keys.  It is common to drive to the store and wonder how you got there. Even a familiar song might suddenly trigger emotions; know that it is alright to cry. Let the tears come and then take a moment to give thanks for the dear memories of your loved one. My father-in-law would often call me during the day, usually after lunch, and after his death, when I heard my phone ring, I would automatically think it was him calling me.  It would take a second to resettle myself because I missed him so much.

Secondly, consider new traditions – you do not have to put up the same decorations or any decorations, for that matter, or prepare a large meal if you don’t have the energy for it. Grief takes both time and energy, and if you can keep things simple, it can help you have the space you need to heal.  For us, even though we did not have our normal tradition of having a large breakfast the first Christmas without my father-in-law, we resumed it the following year and shared special memories about him around the table. We each shared a special memory about him.  We cried.  We hugged each other.  And we thanked the Lord for Grandpa Al.

For me, it is essential that I stay in the promises of God. Not only when I am grieving but also in everyday life.  Life is not always easy, and emotions are not always clear to understand and process.  We must learn to be gentle with ourselves and others as we encounter the upheaval and the oppressive weight that grief can bring. While grief can come and go like the waves of the ocean, the promises of God found in the Bible are an anchor.  The truth in the Word of God can keep our spirit strong when our hearts are broken.  Living in the promises of God helps me to remember that Jesus comforts deeper than the pain and sorrow. He gives me strength to be able to love and appreciate those around me and to be welcoming to new people whom He brings across my path, even as waves of grief hit my heart.

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, He can enable us to be grateful in the moment and hopeful in the days to come, to not take life for granted but live life with eternity in mind. I know this is not a perspective that I can see in my own strength, so I continually ask the Holy Spirit to fill me and help me.

I fully believe that, as a church family, it is important for us to gather together not just to celebrate traditions and share the exciting things in life- but also, we need to gather together to comfort each other and acknowledge the painful parts of life for us to really live life to the fullest and be the caring community God has called us to be.  For true and honest community holds both – the joys and the sorrows.

Christ Church will be having a Service of Hope and Healing on Sunday, November 22 at 4:00 in the Chapel.  This is open to anyone who is experiencing a loss of any form: Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or loss of a relationship.  If you find yourself grieving a loss or needing some support, I hope you will consider joining us.